"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
– C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Grief is often thought of as deep sadness, a heavy feeling of loss that sits in the heart. But as C.S. Lewis wrote, grief can also feel startlingly like fear. The racing heart, the tightness in the chest, the sense that something terrible is about to happen—these sensations aren’t just signs of anxiety; they’re also common in grief.
Why does losing someone or something dear to us make us feel afraid? The answer lies in how our brains and bodies process attachment, safety, and loss.
Why Grief Can Feel Like Fear
From a trauma-informed perspective, grief isn’t just about missing someone; it’s about how our entire system—mind and body—reacts to losing a source of security. When we form close relationships, our nervous system connects those bonds with feelings of safety and stability. When a loved one is suddenly gone, our brain registers this as a disruption to our sense of security.
The part of the brain responsible for detecting threats, the amygdala, responds to this disruption as if we are in danger. It doesn’t distinguish between the loss of a person and physical harm. This is why grief can trigger the same responses as fear—racing thoughts, restlessness, nausea, trouble sleeping, or even feeling frozen and disconnected from reality.
On top of this, grief can shake up our entire sense of balance. Just like people who have been through trauma may feel on edge or emotionally numb, grievers often experience similar responses. It’s not just sadness—it’s a deep shift in how we feel safe in the world.
Caring for Yourself From the Inside Out
Since grief activates the body’s stress response, healing isn’t just about “moving on” or keeping busy—it’s about helping your nervous system find a sense of safety again. Taking care of yourself from the inside out can help ease the fear-like feelings of grief. Here’s how:
Soothe Your Nervous System
Your body needs to know it’s safe. Small, simple practices can help calm your nervous system:
Deep breathing: Slow, deep breaths tell your brain that you’re not in danger. Try inhaling for four counts, holding for four, and exhaling for six.
Grounding techniques: If fear feels overwhelming, focus on what’s real around you—notice the feeling of your feet on the floor, hold a warm drink, or name five things you see.
Rhythmic movement: Activities like walking, stretching, or even rocking in a chair can help reset your body’s stress response.
Find Comfort Through Connection
Since grief often stems from losing connection, finding small ways to reconnect—whether with people, pets, or even nature—can be healing.
Talk to someone who feels safe: A friend, family member, or therapist can help regulate your emotions just by listening.
Engage your senses: Wrap yourself in a soft blanket, take a warm bath, or listen to calming music. These small comforts send signals of safety to your brain.
Give yourself permission to feel: Fear, sadness, anger—whatever emotions show up, let them come without judgment. They are part of the healing process.
And perhaps most important, if you feel the urge to cry, do it! This is your nervous system resetting itself and recognizing that it is safe despite the loss.
Moving Forward With Grace
Grief is not something to "fix"—it’s something to move through. If your body feels fear, it’s not because you are weak or broken; it’s because your system is adjusting to a profound loss. By caring for yourself with gentleness—inside and out—you create space for healing. Over time, the fear will soften, and love will remain.
About our Scarsdale Sports Therapist Sean O'Connor
Sean O'Connor is a licensed mental health counselor (LMHC) and child therapist at Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling in Scarsdale, NY.
Sean specializes in sports psychology and trauma informed counseling to helps kids, adults and athletes overcome anger, depression, anxiety, PTSD and stress.
Sean loves working with kids, teens and athletes to help them feel seen and understood and teach them invaluable coping skills.
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